The Verge of Tears

There are so many words that I could use to express how I'm feeling at this moment. So many, in fact, that my mind is overwhelmed at the prospect of them. I attended that Wycliff dinner because I felt God telling me to; if only because of my commitment to obey Him and work on my relationship with my mom and because she wanted me to be there.

At this point in time, I still don't know what my future entails. But I do know that it is in God's hands - and the peace that comes with that knowledge is incredible. I love it.

Something happened at that banquet. I don't know what it is, if it was just the amazement of hearing the work that's happening in the world to further the gospel, or if I caught a glimpse of what my Father might possibly have in store for me. Either way, it happened.

Again, I felt things tugging at my heart that I don't know if they're from God or not. But they very well could be. Three different times tonight I found myself on the verge of tears. Each of those times was when they were showing videos of people who have worked in the field of Bible translation and even of the people who have been affected by it. I don't know why or how I was affected by that, but I was. And almost crying was the affect of what I saw. Not in a sad, disheartened manner, mind you, but in a way that I can't quite describe, for I myself do not know why I reacted that way.

Another time I found myself on the verge of tears when the guest speaker, Brad, was talking. Again, I am not sure of the reason or cause for the reaction. I suppose part of it was because just being able to hear about what God is doing, how He is working through the lives of those who heed His call, and the goodness of His Being.

And yet another cause of tears. While talking with an elderly gentleman who attended the banquet after, when he was speaking to my dad and I about his involvement in YWAM, I was reminded randomly of God's grace in my life. Not reminded of one specific event or circumstance, but just His grace in general. More tears.

I don't think I've been on the verge of tears that many times in such a short amount of time for a long number of years. But I can tell you that God was doing something. He was speaking to my heart in a way that I do not yet understand. And even more so, because even though I do not feel a call to missions in my life, I felt as if I were being tugged in that direction tonight. Randomly, and out of the blue. I was reminded again of my passion for languages (especially French), for experiencing people and their cultures by being right in the middle everything, and even of this odd, heart-sickness that I feel when I think of India and the darkness in that land...and wanting to change it.

God is doing incredible, wonderful, amazing things in my life. And being just a human, I have no idea the extent of what His will, His purpose, and His plan for my life is. Then again, I don't need to know. And if I do, then He will reveal that to me in His timing. But being able to serve Him where I am at right now, to stay in His will and this season that He has me in, to give Him the pen of my life, be fully surrendered in every and all areas, and let Him have complete control is so wonderful. Letting Him pour into me so that I may pour into others. Even when I'm at my weakest point or am unfaithful to Him, He still chooses to use me to influence the lives of those around me and the words that I speak to encourage them. It is such a humbling thing, and something that I am grateful for.

I love my Father. I love how He loves me and speaks to me when I need it most, and even when I don't think I need it. I love how He ministers to my heart is the smallest of ways. I love that I have the privilege to serve and love Him, and the honour of being loved by Him. I am so excited for my future. Even though I don't know what's in store, He does...and that's enough for me.

(09.04.2011)